Shoots, the Runners!

In the hands of a child, a bucket and spade is a source of endless fun. Well, until the little rascal get hungry.

In my hands, however, it seems the spade should never be allowed near the bucket. When I first moved here I was loaned a couple of very handy giant-sized plastic buckets. My ex used them for runner beans and suggested I could do the same.

To this day I have no idea why I used a full size spade in the bucket; no idea why I forcefully dug into the soil it once housed, but I do know that my aim was way off and the bucket bears the scars.

On the plus size, it was one of the items left to me and this year I thought it worth trying to restore it to its former glory. Well, ok, brought back into use. This is no St Pancras (I wish we could do that with all our stations).

A couple of weeks ago, I constructed my tripod, took two types of runner - one with red and one with white flowers, and planted 3 seeds around each cane. 
I realise I'm actually really impatient with seeds, I was checking them everyday from the day of planting, hopeful but always disappointed. Until yesterday! Came home from work and 'boom'! Shoots. Yeah.

More from these babies in coming weeks. For now, Kasabian.

I've been framed

From the hand built work of art below that is my new cold frame, can you guess the cult film..?

 You may recall that recently the kind and brave folk at Waltons garden centre asked me to review one of their cold frames. Kind because they offered it free, brave because I'm as hapless with my DIY skills as I am my planting.

But I was thrilled and agreed. However, it's taken a little longer than hoped as the courier managed to make a mess of the first cold frame. I wondered what I'd got myself into, whether indeed this was a set up?! 

I must say, credit where it's due - to Yasmin and her team at Waltons for the customer service, and so a exciting replacement package arrived for me the other day. 

Now, this is not Top Gear. You won't find me road testing this to destruction, hauling it across the North Sea to see if it still manages to work in the extremes of Norway. That's what Clarkson and company do isn't it? Crazy Stunts.

Instead, over the coming weeks I'll be seeing if I've found the antidote to the typical June weather, a haven for my plants.

But first let's deal with the construction.

I've found gardening addictive beyond simply weeding, potting and admiring. I've discovered an inner urge to shape, create and build. But as I mentioned, this is far from my forte. I barely own a decent saw let alone a drill.

For those of us raised on an Ikea, flat pack diet this cold frame is one step above. Now, if you're the type to shirk at such a challenge then it's time to 'man up' and get a drill. 

So I roped in the lovely Susie and her drill.

We started to construct it indoors on a wet Sunday afternoon. The wood itself is good quality and looks smart (although I've not checked whether it's sustainably sourced). The instructions are straightforward and in no time we had the first storey up.

However, unforeseen circumstances put the project on hold for a week. Kevin McCloud would have been concerned.

This weekend though, we finished the job. Tip to those new to construction, electric screwdriver. God's gift.

There have been bumps and one lump (blister) along the way. We were a few screws short, (rather than loose) and we had to watch for splinters. But it was fun to construct and nothing beats triumphantly placing the finished work out there in the sun. 

Naturally the triumph was delayed by disagreements about where to put it, but now it's all about the growing!

You may recall I planted chillis recently. Well, they failed to germinate, so I've planted some new ones up, hoping the heat will give them a kick start. I'm also trying a Bay tree experiment which I'll be writing about shortly, so let's see what this baby is made of.

If you're tempted already, then you can find more cold frames, wooden greenhouses and other goodies here:

Waltons

Waltons Cold Frames


Meanwhile, I'll be on Chilli and Bay watch...

The joy of secateurs (part 1)

When you fall out of love with your garden, what's the first thing to go? That's right, the secs:

And if that goes rusty, then you're in trouble. 

I may be hapless but there's no excuse for neglect. Yet, I've found it harder and harder to stay on top of the garden, to give it my attention, time and care. 

Gradually, fuelled by the rain and gloomy weather the weeds have assumed control, and all manner of crops have failed. Rubbish has collected, the garden left overgrown, tired and defeated.

Even the cat looks at me with disappointment

I realised this couldn't go on. Intervention was needed.

I took time off work, to co-incide with 4 days of forecast sunshine (otherwise known as The British Summer).

We started slowly, the garden and me. We flitted around the edges, I cleared some weeds here and there, without making much difference. I tackled the 'lawn' and planted some radish and started to notice a difference; the trust was returning.

Then, I went for it. I took a saw to the bloated bay tree, and hacked my way through the invasive bushes. 

Herb corner, raspberries and the remains of the Buddleia!

The garden felt light, fresh and revived, as did I. I kicked back with a beer, chips and a bacon sandwich, and had that quiet moment of satisfaction we all know and love...still got it!

What would you call your yellow lawnmower?

Book review - Reflections of a Solitary Hamster

Overwhelmed by the burgeoning collection of 'how to garden' books, I've been in search of something a little more creative.

Despite a small number of christmas gifts guiding me to grow in small spaces, forage, perfect an allotment and perfect my herbs, I can't help but shy away from celebrity writers both established and rising. 

So I'm off in search of something more creative; where the garden is the inspiration beyond itself. 

My first discovery is an illustrated book called Reflections of a Solitary Hamster by Astrid Desbordes and Pauline Martin. 

Now, this is no everyday hamster...

Hamster is thoughtful. He asks profound questions about the world around and beyond him, like 'are there walnuts on the moon?'

But, as is a hamster's way, he soon enlightens us with his hamster-centric insights ("must be, otherwise what would moon hamsters eat?")

On to the story, our protagonist has a birthday party to organise. We're treated to his everyday moral dilemas such as who is privileged enough to attend, and how can he ensure that each present meets his expectations. 

And so we get to glimpse the lives of those garden creatures who orbit Hamster's world. Mole, snail and hedgehog all grappling with Hamster's whims and charm, often over a hot cup of smoked tea or through a conversation on the rocks.

It's as a prelude to the party that Mole invites Hamster to his garden. Kitted out in his finest gardener's straw hat, we get to see Mole's wonderful peas. Hamster is then treated to cabbage tea and a recital of 'a little masterpiece - The Reflections of a Garden Snail'.

Hamster yawns.

Mole remains determined and plunders his garden to create the kind of garden present which only parents of children making their first recipe in the kitchen can be proud... you'll have to read the book to find out just what.

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This is a beautifully illustrated, subtly hilarious and thoughtful story, in which Mole stars as a wholesome and earnest gardener always keen to share the fruits of his work. I couldn't recommend it more highly.

Published by Gecko press, you can find it at Amazon here

Currant fun

So this one is for the novice fruit gardener looking to, ahem, branch out...

Where do you go once you've got strawberries under your belt? Raspberries are certainly the hipsters berry of choice, whilst the health conscious among us may plump for blueberries. 

I'm now in my third year of what I consider to be the connoisseur's choice - blackcurrant.

Cast your mind back to your childhood. Ah yes, guzzling ribena in the height of summer, rejecting any attempt to ween you onto Sainsburys own-brand juice, yuk! Nothing matches the silky sweet, purple-rich nectar.

Well, blackcurrants are nothing like this. They're complex in flavour, sharp and bitter at first but given the right companions make a classy breakfast choice.

Today I spotted the first sign of joys to come on my blackcurrant plant:

And just like all the best plants, one rub of the leaf releases the scent of fruit...

Now, I must admit, I've not been especially prolific with them, but this year looks promising already. If anyone has good recipes for blackcurrants, perhaps a recipe for a chewy sweet (Chewits, I'm looking at you here), give me a shout.

Highly strung

So the doctor has told me to stop. 

I'm at that age where you still like to think you have your life ahead of you but you start to notice the milage clocking up (35) and the boot getting a little heavy with baggage. 

As a result, I've found myself holed up on the sofa for a week, post virus and in my doctor's eyes post a few relentless years of coping with the odd big change here and there and at times a rather unforgiving day job. Turns out this has left me exhausted in a way I've never experienced before and has come as a small wake up call.

So on doctor's orders I've had to stop gardening (and work, rowing, house hunting, drumming, blogging...) and I've been forced to watch Top Gear. Endlessly. This hasn't really aided recovery but it beats Jeremy Kyle.

However, today is the second anniversary of this blog and my alter ego The Hapless Gardener. So I sneaked out into the garden just to plant some peas. I couldn't leave this day unmarked.

Surely a little pea sowing wouldn't break any rules? 

I'd prepared the soil a few weeks ago so it was simply a case of digging the trench (flat bottomed, 5cm deep) and popping in the dried pea nuggets (Kelvedon Wonder) in at 2-5cm intervals.

Having done that I thought I'd mark the trench with a line of string tied to a couple of canes. In went the canes.

I looked around for my string. I'd used it recently to tie the growhouses down so I guessed I'd left it out...

I had. Except now it appeared to have been blown all across the garden, tied around pots and branches, veering off towards the wall and up - my that wind is strong - and on to the top of the wall, along the wall...wait a minute. 

Arrrrghhh, bloody cats! I've been burgled! Not only have they left me at least half a dozen parcels, they've gone and nabbed my string, leaving their mocking trail as if they'd spotted my doctor's note. It used to be pigeons but now cats are garden enemy #1.

I need a lie down.

Hapless 1 Wincy 0

As regular readers will know, I have wind problems. 

Last night it was howling outside. It seems that my garden has it's own microclimate, and not a welcome one. It's as though the wind roams the rooftops descending forcefully into the enclosed arena to whip up a frenzy among my unsuspecting garden furniture.

In the past I've had young pears downed from the tree, my table upturned and, most damagingly, my plastic growhouses thrown halfway across the garden in acts of anarchic destruction. Last year, I lost 2 months of growing which ultimately ended my harvest in a night of carnage.

So last weekend I finally decided to learn from my mistakes and got out the string to anchor my nurseries to the stone floor. The only slight challenge was finding suitable solid objects to tie them to. Thankfully I got lucky with rooted buddleia, rusty nails and a handy support column for the flat above, that allowed me to keep the growhouses in sunshine. And I did it not a moment too soon. 

This morning, I nervously peered out of my shutters, and to my manly delight I saw my handiwork had come good, my seedlings have survived and I feel one proud seed daddy. Take that Wincy Willis!.

But it wasn't all good news. Sadly, my duck took a hit.

So in case you're still taking risks out there and hoping the wind stays away, why not get out the scissors and string and let a different kind of Howlin' sound fill your day

King Arthur's Weed of the Day

Yes, I'm digging up my old favourite Weed of the Day post. I promise some proper writing in the coming days now Spring has made a lame attempt to appear this weekend. 

But after 2 days manful digging in both the garden and the allotment and a fight through the fairweather garden crowds at the garden centre I'm knackered.

So can I present to you the mythical weed of the Round table, discovered on a recent visit to the north shore of Cornwall and King Arthur's birthplace Tintagel.

I think this is my favourite weed so far. It's made an effort to look the part in amongst the medieval stone. Why, one might even wonder if Merlin himself had planted it...

Yeah, that's right, I'm keeping the myth going. But despite all the tat for sale and bus loads of tourists aghast at the number of steep steps to climb, it is a stunning place fit for only the finest weeds.

Guest Post: Wonder

Star struck in Kenilworth
by Mandy and Kaz - @2_littlepeas

We’ve been so pleased to get to know Tom the Hapless Gardener on Twitter - especially as like him we’re allotment newbies. There’s so much to learn and everyone else seems like an expert - we feel like we’re Mandy and Kaz the Hapless Allotmenteers!

So we were really excited about our visit last weekend to the Edible Garden Show near Kenilworth: a chance for us to learn a few things and to do some allotment goodie shopping to help us get started ...

And here are some of the brilliant things that happened to us, all in one day!

We met James Wong, of BBC and “Grow Your Own Drugs” fame! The last time I saw him he was Cornish wrestling on BBC1’s Country File, and it was great to meet him for real! He was giving a talk about how to grow your own kitchen micro garden, and he was really happy to stop and chat (and be photographed with!!) afterwards.

Then amazingly we got chatting to ‘Kathy Perks’ (real name Hedli Niklaus) from the Archers at the Archers Addicts stall. Kaz is one of the biggest followers of the Archers, and couldn’t believe her luck. We got the inside information on all the shenanigans in Borsetshire ... As well as a free Archers Addicts mug - could things get any better?!

We then listened to a fantastic talk by Alys Fowler. Alys presented an amazing BBC series the Edible Garden a couple of years ago and has presented Gardeners World as well, and her talk was all about life on her vegetable garden. We picked up some great tips - we especially liked her use of a brood of chickens to de-slug the allotment - labour-saving and effective! Result!

We loved looking round the stalls as well - we bought some great things for the allotments - lots of lovely seeds (especially pleased with some brilliant wildflower seeds), plug plants, tomato plants, and some great tools - and also found a man who sold the most amazing fudge and olives! Mmm!

What more could we have asked for? Great gardening tips, lots of interesting people to meet, some fabulous shopping, stepping into the world of the Archers - and a photo opportunity with James Wong!

We’re not sure if we’ll turn into anything other than Hapless Allotmenteers - but we’ll be back at the EDS next year! :-) 

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Mandy and Kaz, aka @2_littlepeas on Twitter have been among the most enthusiastic new allotmenteers I've had the pleasure of chatting with.

They've got a lovely website called Little Beginnings and I get the feeling will be very happy to make new gardening friends on their Facebook site too 

Thank you both for writing, I don't think it'll be long before you have a little pitch at EDS and we'll be coming to have our pics taken!

Right, having had such energetic company, I can't let this bed get cold. If you're up for writing a piece on the emotion that gets you most in the garden drop me an email - or if you think there's someone I should ask to write then do let me know: Thehaplessgardener@gmail.com or @haplessgardener