Rogue trader

Having wowed you with the first rogue for a while, here are two more. And your reaction to these will reveal more than you may perhaps want to admit...

Collector's items

Unfortunately we're talking the type of collection that only the collector understands. Yes, stamp collectors, train spotters, and growers of only one type of flower, you have kindred spirit in ceramic animal enthusiasts (ooo, that sounds very wrong). For the recent converts to growing your own there's a simple way to determine if it is your destiny to become such a collector. Just take my personality test:

You fancy a trip to the garden centre and you head for

a) The small but independent place where gentle folk won’t try the hard sell but will know everything about how to care for alpine plants.

b) That all-you-could-ever-want-in-your-garden behemoth off the M5, that has a pirate ship to leave the kids in whilst you admire the barbeques

c) The slightly off-the-wall place, with an American theme but amaaaazing cakes.

Once at the garden centre you

a)  Head straight for the ‘what to grow now’ and admire the range of seeds from specialist providers

b) Head straight to the summer house display, grabbing a handful of Mr Fothergills as you storm past the seed packets.

c) Head straight for the ceramic animals

Mostly a’s? You’re focused and conscientious but out of touch with modern capitalist society. 

Mostly b’s? You thrive on modern capitalist society and those who mock you can do so in envy of (and peering into) your brand new summer house. 

Mostly c’s? You probably own one these:

Discovered by Bristol food blogger Sam Evans (@Samfraggle) at the Chief's Trading Post Garden Centre just outside Bristol, here are some examples of taking a Gnome habit to a whole new level. "Why yes, that's an elephant in my garden. I call him Trunks. He's good at keeping the cats out but he's a bugger with the fruit trees, can't leave them alone" Sam has assured me that she goes for the top notch cakes and her boyfriend is passionate about the gardening, meaning that they merely have a passing curiousity in these delights, rather than a trolly full! Do check out Sam's great and ever-growing culinary tour of Bristol, including the rather epic list of foodie havens linked to the recent Gorilla invasion of Brizzle.

Back on the rogues

I'm thrilled to be able to announce that we have BRAND NEW ROGUES in the gallery. Yes, it was as if they had all gone in to hiding, having been named and shamed despite my best attempts to insist that the Gallery is more Rogue Vogue than a criminal line up. 

And just like buses, not just one but three pictures for you. Hold on, that's not fair. What with all this real time information, bus lanes and timetables on your mobile, you now know when buses are going to come along and they turn up on time. Except when you're cutting it fine to get to the airport.

So can I introduce the first of three rogues contained in two posts: Foxes. 

You can find the full collection over on the Rogues Gallery page. Please do look out for some of your own and feel free to email them to me Thehaplessgardener@gmail.com. 

Ginger nutters

Emotive creatures foxes. Responsible for the march of the countryside, anti fur fashion campaigns and the enlightened imagination of millions of children captivated by a certain Fantastic Gentlefox. And of course, every city dweller has been woken up by the terrifying sound of foxes at it amongst the bins and had to stop themselves reaching for the phone to dial 999 / 911 / 112 / 000 (yep going international on this blog) in case there is some serious assault happening.  To some, they are furry, cute and cuddly, or perhaps sharp humoured, cheeky and answering to the name Basil. To others, however they are pure vermin. Mauler of rubbish bins, chickens and perfectly planned vegetable arrangements. And always caught on the stealth. So, to snap them sunning it, as my top friend Paula did, will only polarise you all further. Are they lording it or just being a loving family? I'll leave you to judge...

In a pot of bother

Three days ago, I discovered a new arrival in the garden. Fungus. Mushrooms are on my hit list of bad vegetables, second only to tomatoes (yes yes ok, it's fruit, but that's not the point. It's top of the list).

These 'shrooms were discovered hiding in a small pot I'd neglected on the ground with an experimental pot red onion. Now, it might not seem normal to grow an onion in a pot, but if you can grow it in the ground and it's not as big as a pot, then why not try?


Containers are the saviour of all balcony-dwellers and Londoners, except Nigel Slater who's kitchen garden I'm reliably informed is 'massive' (thanks Coco). But he, like every other individual with a nice house in every weekend supplement, lives in North London.


If you're in possession of a 'how to grow' book, there will be a container section. I imagine it's because people in South London also want to garden. And anything can be a container. An old sink, a bucket, a pair of wellies, hell even the compost heap. You can really get creative and move things around. Said books also have lovely photos of nearly arranged containers, full-to-bursting with veg, herbs and fruit. 


My take on it though is a bit more, um, haphazard. In my garden you'll find all manner of pots and containers littered around, moved because they were 'in the way', or because once potted  I saw something I wanted to photograph instead and got distracted never to return.


The moment you neglect a pot on the ground it is at the mercy of rogues...oh yes, we all know about them now. And this poor onion has got itself surrounded:

Weeds to the left of it, mushrooms to the right, here it is stuck in the middle with


A snail. 


And it doesn't get much better for Mr Onion as tonight I'll be transferring it to a different sort of pot...


Just one question? Can you eat this particular mushroom?

In the eye of the beholder...

I have a new page and a new challenge for you.

Inspired by a twitter follower loving the weed of the day posts, I've created a rogues gallery page

The Rogues Gallery

But I'd love this page to be filled by rogues from all over the place, so I'm putting a call out to anyone willing to send me, or go out and take photos of all manner of things we turn our noses up at or aim our trowels, pellets, water guns at in fits of garden rage.

Email me at Thehaplessgardener@gmail.com and lets get this gallery up and running. Anything from slugs, to weeds, to your broken old garden chair. The only thing I ask is that you calm your anger, tap into your compassion and reflect your beast of choice in a positive light.

After that feel free to indulge your dark side...